monster inside me

finding out someone you know is pregnant is like a dagger through the heart. it is unbelievable how i feel this way. i used to be so excited and happy when finding out a friend or coworker or neighbor or acquaintance was pregnant. now, it just feels like i want to throw up. i feel like such a horrible person and i am so ashamed to feel like this.

they all make getting pregnant and having a baby look so easy. why can't we be this way? is there ever an end to this suffering? why did g-d decide this was our path?

such a happy event shouldn't make me feel so awful inside. seeing a neighbor's front porch plastered in "welcome home baby" balloons and signs shouldn't make me feel this way. but it does. i didn't even know she had been pregnant until i saw the sign. at first i thought, maybe they adopted and how wonderful would it be to have someone nearby that went through the same thing that we are? but then, the wheelchair that her husband just carried up the porch probably does not mean adoption, but c-section. and i wish i could just be happy for them, but i can't be, i'm just incredibly jealous and i want to throw up.